In which I use my powers for good

Hurrah for Claudia Winkleman! The magnificently befringed presenter has been given Bruce Forsyth’s Strictly Come Dancing presenting slot, marking an encouraging waltz forward for the BBC’s hiring policy – two women presenting a prime-time show without anyone feeling the need to bring a bloke in.

It also marks an exciting personal milestone, the first time I’ve ever made a wish in this column that has later been granted. At least I think it is, but there are 11 years’ worth of archives to check and I don’t have the energy. Let’s assume it is. Hurrah! 

Assuming this signals a newly-developed superpower and not just a predictable coincidence (I’m sure it does), I now feel the weight of responsibility on my shoulders. What should I wish for next? How can I use this power for good? After at least eight minutes of very serious consideration, I’ve drawn up the following list.

I would like ASOS to bring back their sleeve-length filter for dresses please. Back in the glory days, was on our side in the battle against fabric-stingy designers. Their unique sleeve filter allowed us to eliminate all sleeveless dresses in one swift click, leaving us only with the long-sleeved, the medium-sleeved and the skimpy-but-still-not-requiring-complex-bra-‘solutions’. Of course in practice this eliminated about 80 per cent of all dresses, but it sure made shopping quicker. Until they took the filter away. Bring it back, guys! It was totally ’armless.

I would like Conchita’s Eurovision win to herald a new age of transgender acceptance please. And also the decline of fascist attitudes to facial and body hair. My lustrous blonde moustache has been hidden from the world for too long, and it’s time to stop caring what anyone else thinks.

I would like the Olympics to come back to London please. The Evening Standard reported this week that Rio’s preparations to host the Games in 2016 are so far behind schedule that the International Olympic Committee is considering moving proceedings to London as a plan B. It should be noted that they also called the chance of it actually going ahead “infinitesimally small” - but then I had an infinitesimally small chance of enjoying judo the last time round, and that happened.

I would like Friends to be shown on Freeview again please. Yes, at the point where E4 relinquished the rights to Comedy Central I had seen every episode so many times I’d begun to think Gunther was a man I actually knew. But that was two and half years ago. Two and a half years of trying to kid myself I actually enjoy The Big Bang Theory. And now it’s been 10 years since the show’s finale, Chandler et al are everywhere again, and all I want to do is spend a month under a duvet re-living everything Rachel’s hair ever did. We were on a break, but I’d like it to end now. Please.