In which I am a valued customer.

Printed 02/10/08

"Hello and thanks for calling WebWhizz, the internet service provider for those too proud to ask their parents' advice. This number is no longer in service and in three minutes you will be redirected to a Korean chatline charging you £35.67 a minute for the first four minutes, and £12.50 for each minute thereafter.

"If you require our customer services helpline, please note the number has now changed from the freephone one on the website, box, booklet and packaging to another one which I'll now say so quickly you'll still be mouthing 'pen!' and doing writing hand motions to your flatmate while the chatline charges kick in. Have a nice day."

"Hello and thanks for calling WebWhizz, the internet service provider for those who succumb at the offer of a free keyring. Back again? Didn't find a Biro in time? Had to use eyeliner, which broke on the third number? Don't worry, here at WebWhizz, we support idiocy in our customers.

"If you require our customer services helpline, please note the number has now changed. Got all those digits? No, as you've rightly guessed, it isn't in Slough. Have a nice day."

"Hello and thanks for calling WebWhizz, the internet service provider for those who laugh at 'quirky' cartoons on instruction leaflets. You've reached the customer support number. Give yourself a pat on the back. Hell, get a Swedish masseuse in, we're going to be here a while.

"To track your wireless box delivery, press one.

"To make a billing enquiry, press two.

"To track your wireless box delivery a bit further, press three.

"To hear a full list of all our goods and services, press five.

"To make the full list of our goods and services stop, press six.

"To find out why we missed out four, press seven.

"To shout "But none of those is the option I want, you cretinous machine!" and beat your handset against the nearest fleshy surface, press eight and we will be happy to assist you."

"Hello and thanks for calling WebWhizz, the internet service provider for those who like to say 'we should all just go back to pen and paper' three times a day. Your call is very important to us. About as important as it is to us that we provide reliable, consistent internet, preventing you from having to ring this number in the first place.

"You are currently 34th in the queue, and will be dealt with as soon as an operator is free to assist you. Maybe make some supper, or finish that patchwork quilt your granny started in 1934. While you do that, we're going to play you some Lionel Ritchie on the pan pipes."

"Hello and thanks for calling WebWhizz, the internet service provider for people who don't read their bank statements out of fear. Still awake? Congratulations, you are now 32nd in the queue. Your call is still very important to us, and will be answered as soon as an operator is free to assist you.
Several operators have had children and moved house while you've been waiting – we like to keep you updated on news in the WebWhizz family. Had enough of Lionel? Here's some Human League played on the tubular bells."

"Hello and thanks for calling WebWhizz, the internet service provider Boris Johnson would choose. My name is Daphne, and I am a real human, but you won't realise for three minutes because you've been driven into an automated stupor. How may I help?

"You would like to renew your internet account in somebody else's name? Can you please give me the name, date of birth, chest measurement, favourite SClub member and exact chromosome make up of the previous account holder? No? Well, aren't we a bad flatmate?

"What's that, you're not keen on being cut off for a week while we do some premium faffing? If you don't mind holding, I'll have to pass you over to a supervisor. Here comes some Rick Astley played on steel drums, for your enjoyment.

"Thank you for calling WebWhizz, the internet service provider for people who don't know how they'll email this column in tomorrow."